Down, up and down again

I have always been a “planner”. I like to know what is happening when, I like to be in control as much as possible. I can go with the flow so long as that is what I have planned. 

Throw in motherhood. Genuinely I had imagined being someone who was ruled by routine, however I turned out not to be quite what I foresaw and my version of routine was going to the same things every week rather than my actual baby being on a “schedule”.

I found something in motherhood that clicked and gave me confidence rather than take it away. Prior to being a Mam I guess I was not really confident in much, I am one of those people who doesn’t always naturally fit in anywhere. There was a moment while I was at university that I stopped caring about what people thought of me, didn’t overthink to as crazy a degree, I guess you could call it a turning point. I felt clearer and it was freeing not to constantly try to guess what other people were thinking of me all the time. Then a few years later, becoming a Mam I was happy just fitting in with my own family. My husband, baby and I were “us”, and belonging there was more important than belonging anywhere else.

When my first two children were baby and toddler, other mothers would make comments to me about how together I always seemed, which is really hilarious as I am not a “together” kind of person in my own eyes. I liked being out and about, meeting people, talking to other parents, getting involved in things. I would get nervous before I went somewhere new, but the draw of it was always enough to get me out of my house and then out of the car and into whatever it was. And that must have seemed “together”. It did not always feel like that, spending the whole drive talking myself in and out of it.

After our third child was born I was much more governed by nursery runs, and so my exploring of new things lessened. We were in a routine, with the same activities from week to week, this is what suits me and how I thrive best.

While pregnant with our fourth child I never really imagined life being hugely different. I was “experienced” now, wasn’t I? People would ask how many children I had and when I pointed at my belly and said this was number 4, I got lots of different reactions. In my head I knew what was coming. Turns out I was pretty wrong about a lot of it..

There is a debate that I have in my head often about what terms to use to describe how I have felt over the last 10 months. Have I had post natal depression? Have I just been dealing with harder circumstances?

I posted about Henrie’s birth before, about how we had an “elective c section” – that I didn’t want.  Looking back, it seems like it took me a long time to come to terms, in my mind, with what happened. My body basically refused to accept what had happened too and took months to heal. That was not a good start. For a person who loves to be out and about being confined to barracks was hard.

Being negative is not something I enjoy, so while I don’t want this to be really doom and gloom, the truth is that a lot of the last months have felt like that. It has felt like a big black storm cloud has just been following me around.

Last week I hosted our second fourth trimester group, we had a play therapist visiting and she was talking about mindfulness for parents. I really enjoyed her talk, so much of what she was saying resonated with me. I was able to talk about how I have felt since Henrie was born without becoming really emotional, seeing it as a period which I have moved out of rather than being stuck in.

I want to talk more about all of this because I feel like it is so helpful for processing. Birth trauma is something which I am learning more and more about all the time. I want to leave this link here for anyone who is feeling like they want to get help after having a baby and everything not feeling rosy.

A bumpy ride, that is how to describe how it’s been. At the moment things feel almost normal, but now I have learned that could change tomorrow. The good days well out number the bad ones which is great. Bad days are still a thing, and they are no fun for anyone. I love that I have friends who I can just say “I am having a rubbish day” and not worry that they are judging me or think they need to say something magic to make it better. It does get better, it might take a while, but there is always hope.

Hazel-Ann x

The little things

My husband and I were talking the other week about little things that have made life as a family much easier.

I thought I would write up the ones that we came up with – let me know what yours are!

1. Tesco grocery home delivery. This is a service I used as a student in Edinburgh, but it wasn’t available here in Shetland until 5.5  years ago.  From the week it launched until now I have been a very frequent customer and a VERY grateful one. Gone are the days of dragging my children around the store, having driven 30 minutes to get there! Every week when they come into my kitchen and leave my shopping right there on the table, I am grateful!
2. Dyson cordless vacuum. I got this as a Christmas gift (to me, from me) 2 years ago. It is used daily, multiple times! Ours is no longer the most recent version, but it works great for us. We have a small house and it can zip around the whole thing on one charge, and then it has all the attachments you need for the couch (worst job!), skirting boards, all those fiddly areas and THE CAR!
3. Sliding doors on the car. We got our car almost 3 years ago, it is a VW Sharan and the door slide, no more worrying about the children bashing their doors, getting them in and out is so easy, as was the infant car seat (aka the baby bucket seat). I used to have a Golf, and found it harder to park than I do this , well basically it is a bus.
4. Following on the car theme is the parking sensors! I am not a really confident driver, but with where we live I do have to drive a lot. Since we got a car with parking sensors I feel much more able to try parking in spaces I perviously would have never attempted.
5. ParentPay. Now this is brand new to us. No more writing cheques to the school! If your school doesn’t use this, it is an online platform you use to pay for milk money and dinner money. I am sure that this will become more and more useful as our children get older and move up though the school. So far, so good.

So those are 5 of my top modern life hacks which made my days simpler, speed up cleaning and free up brain space.

Hazel-Ann x